This is probably as emotional/personal I will ever get publicly. Contemplated posting this but I’m doing so to vent and have peace of mind. Also, because lately I’ve been doing this thing where I do what I feel like and go with it. Let’s get to it. Last weekend I went to my nephew’s (cousin’s son) first birthday. This is my cousin from my biological father’s (Tony) side. I’ve kept in contact with my cousins throughout the years after bumping into them in middle school. Tony pretty much hasn’t been a part of my life since I was 5. After lots of drama and issues, my mom felt it was best that he wasn’t a part of my life. It wasn’t until I was 18 that he would see me again. I can’t lie, when I saw him and his family, it was a very good feeling. Everyone welcomed me with open arms and gave me the biggest warmest hugs. He introduced me to everyone as his daughter with such pride. I knew in my heart he didn’t deserve to call me his daughter since he had nothing to do with raising me, but it felt so good to feel a part of the family at the time. Anyway, when I saw him he kept saying how much he’s missed me, how he’s thought about me everyday, etc. And after I left, he would call a few times to say hi. After a couple weeks… nothing. Back to normal. I admit I wasn’t exactly responding to his, “I love you, daughter” but come on, I haven’t seen you in 15+ years. Give me some time to accept you. I guess I just expected him to try harder. It was the same cycle this past time I saw him. Hugs, kisses, I miss yous, the whole bit. But once I’m out of sight, I’m out of mind. A part of me wants to be a part of this family. Let me make it clear, this is no pity party or “woe is me” type deal. I am blessed with an amazing dad who raised me since I was young. He is my father. I love him with all my heart and no one can take his place. I know my cousins and family from Tony’s side love me and are there for me regardless of the type of relationship Tony and I have. But still. A part of me wants a relationship with him. At the same time the other part feels like he doesn’t even deserve my time. And some other part is wondering why the heck isn’t he trying harder to be a part of my life. It’s like that Will Smith Fresh Prince video all over. Eh. Not sure what I’m getting at. 

With or without him I know I’m going to be fine. Scratch that. I’m going to be GREAT. I mean, I’ve been doing okay for 23 years.. at least I think so. :) 

Alright, end personal blog. Back to being a lobster.

XOXO